So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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