my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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