the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
