dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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