apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
