he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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