So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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