My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
