i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Sext me about skeletons
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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