You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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