just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
