In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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