I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
