just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
