you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize