I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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