shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize