Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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