Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
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