is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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