Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
