i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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