So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
