I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize