By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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