I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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