I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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