she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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