had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
