she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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