So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
