I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
