I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
