You really coming over, don't trick.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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