You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
