No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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