the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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