I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
