I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
