It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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