when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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