I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
zippers are such a cool invention
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
