You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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