Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
