My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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