ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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