I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
