I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
