I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
