P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
