My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
