OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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