Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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