i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
