I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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