I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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