i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
