i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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