just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
