I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
