you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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