I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
